Humorous Quotes

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams

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